The expert report of Dr. Hal J. Singer, an expert witness for the plaintiffs in the UFC anti trust class action lawsuit, has produced a bevy of interesting information regarding how the UFC does business. Says Singer, “Those fucks [Dana White and the Fertitta brothers] must have failed Share-Time in kindergarten. It’s like they think that competition should be squashed rather than encouraged and nurtured.”

You greedy capitalist pig!

Liberal pundits everywhere are decrying the monopsony power of the UFC in a market that didn’t exist before they created it. Noted former writer for an MMA blog, Shandrew Shearson, excoriated their “shady” business practices, “They’re trying to keep the fruits of their labor for themselves. It’s not fair — there are other MMA organizations that should benefit from their work too. And let’s not even talk about the fighters who should be getting 99% of the profits because they’re the ones in the ring. Multi-million dollar investments are nothing compared to a 6-week training camp without pie.”

Pictured: Not Shandrew Shearson

MMA Laundry took to the streets to see how the common citizen felt about the UFC trying to stamp out competition. Chris Cuomo of Fredo’s Pizza in New York City said, “That’s complete bullshit. You should do everything you can to help your competition. Those guys gotta feed their families too! When Bernie’s Pizza is having a tough day, we’ll send our customers to them to, you know, help them out.” [Editor’s note: Any similarities between this pizza maker and “an anchor on CNN” are completely accidental.]

Just try and confiscate these GUNS, you sissy liberals!

Bernie’s Pizza was trying out their new Socialism Special where you pay as much as you can afford for the same slice of pizza that half of their customers get for free. Surprisingly, sales were putrid and Bernie’s was in danger of closing its doors for good until Fredo’s Pizza stepped up. Says Bernie, “Much like Fredo’s Pizza, it’s time for the UFC to work for all of us! Not just the people who invested their money into a risky venture with a small chance of succeeding. They only created a new sport and billions of dollars worth of jobs. What about Paco who mowed Dana’s lawn? Wasn’t he just as instrumental to the UFC’s success? Where is his slice of the pie?”

A torta é deliciosa.