Dateline 2022: Joe Rogan resurrects career by joining the cast of Cirque du Soleil: Luzia

Joe Rogan, onetime commentator of the UFC, is joining the cast of Cirque du Soleil: Luzia as a contortionist.

People pay money to watch this shit. Really. I’m not kidding.

UFC fired Rogan back in 2020 due to a lack of performance as a color commentator. Former UFC president, Dana White, was forced to pull the plug after a particularly brutal performance at UFC Fight Night – Gary, IN where Rogan was covering a fight between Heavyweight Champion Francis Ngannou and a dude they literally picked from the audience attending the fight named Jamal Pantschidder. [Editor’s Note: Say it out loud, it’s funny. Trust me.]

I think I just peed myself a little.


Aw, hell no!!

Rogan did his best to pretend the fight was competitive, “Oh, look at Pantschidder on his bicycle trying to wear out Ngannou for the championship rounds.”

“Jamal really hurt Francis by checking that punch with his face.”

“Oh! Francis might be in trouble here! He stepped in a puddle of Jamal’s piss.”

Despite Rogan’s best efforts, the fight only lasted 25 seconds and ended with Ngannou knocking Pantschidder’s head completely off his shoulders. “I think the ref might’ve stopped that one a little early,” remarked Rogan. Unhappy with his clear inability to bullshit the audience into thinking the fight would be competitive, White fired Rogan on the spot.

Rogan spent a few years feeling sorry for himself until he realized that years of bending over backwards and contorting his personal views to fit the company line, he had gained some amazing flexibility.

Said Rogan, “It was like, I spent years sucking the UFC’s dick and one night I tried to suck my own dick — you know, to make me feel better — and viola! I bent over in half. It didn’t even hurt. In fact, it felt pretty good.”

Fast forward a few months and Rogan is now the star of the Luzia show. For his highlight, he ties himself into a pretzel.

Hey, I can suck my own dick!

Joe expects that when his performing days are over, he’ll get into politics because those fuckers are twisting shit every single day in ways that just don’t make sense.