Perennial gatekeeper and oft-injured Paige VanZant has repented her evil ways and has now found solace in the religion of Islam.
“Burkas can be sexy too!”
“I was doing it all wrong,” says Paige. “I thought my sexuality would be the key to my rise in the UFC because if those horny fans thought Honda [Editor’s note: We believe she is referring to Ronda Rousey] was attractive, they should’ve been kissing my sexy ass! I thought for sure the breast implants would make people take me more seriously as a UFC contender.”
“But I’ve learned that my ways were evil and I have seen the light that is Allah. Effective immediately, I’ve converted to Islam and I’ll now wear a burka [Editor’s note: She’s actually wearing a niqab. You can tell because you can see her sexy eyes.] for all my media events. I’m still trying to convince daddy — I mean, Dana — to let me wear one in the octagon. That should make those neo-commie infidels over at Vox take me seriously now.”
VanZant has now changed her name to Almughfilun Bilasti. “It means ‘Everlasting Warrior’ in Arabic,” says Bilasti. However, our research indicates that Paige — er, Bilasti may have made a slight mistake in the translation.
“It means Plastic Titties” — noted Arabic Language Scholar
Not to be outdone, her one-time opponent Rachael Ostovich has taken to wearing a niqab headpiece to weigh-ins.
“Did I cover up enough to maintain my modesty?”
When asked to comment, Ostovich’s titties said, “Look at me!!!!”
